A Post-Christmas Tooth Fairy Monologue
My child recently endured a pretty long wait time (like, “dial-up modem” long wait time!) for the Tooth Fairy to come and retrieve his tooth. It sat in a ziplock bag under his pillow for a night or two, then he moved it to the cat tree next to his bed, where it remained (our cat didn’t seem to mind) for the next…um… was it 4 weeks or so? During that time, he lost a second tooth (which he accidentally sent down the kitchen sink drain), and his first tooth oddly split in two while inside the baggie (I don’t know if something cracked it or it was some strange effect from sitting in a dry bag all that time?? ). When the kids in my theater class were talking about losing a tooth one day, I commented on how the tooth fairy had still not come to retrieve my son’s tooth after several weeks.
“Is it under his pillow?” A girl asked me.
“No—it’s on the cat tree next to his bed.”
“Oh, well, that’s why she hasn’t come. You have to put it under your pillow.”
Her reasoning made sense to me, but my son pointed out, it had been under his pillow the first few days. Luckily, the mystery was solved when, a week or so later, the tooth fairy finally came, and along with the money, she had written him a letter explaining why she was late. I hope the tooth fairy won’t mind that she inspired the following monologue (my litigious-eyed son said I should watch out for copyright issues, but I kinda have an “in” with this particular tooth fairy, so I think I’m okay.).
So here is my post-Christmas comedic monologue, Four Weeks Late: A Tooth Fairy’s Letter of Explanation. It’s great for late teens through really any aged adult. While tooth fairies are generally thought to be female, and the character is referenced as such, this monologue can be gender flexible and suitable for anyone who connects with it.
In this monologue, the tooth fairy explains what took her so long to retrieve the tooth. It appears she was caught up in some other distracting business…at the hands of some jolly ole man in red. You guessed it. The Tooth Fairy was late and it’s all Santa’s fault.
Enjoy an excerpt of the monologue below!
(TOOTH FAIRY is in Harper’s bedroom who cuddles with a stuffed panda bear, asleep.)
TOOTH FAIRY
Dear Harper,
Thank you for your tooth. I know it’s been resting under your pillow since…well… circa four weeks ago? Long enough for it to have split apart in two. We tooth fairies call that special occurrence “The Royal Tooth Split”. It’s incredibly rare, and my baby tooth fairy is most excited to use the two halves as perfectly sized snow shoes for herself. It’s impossible to find them of the same make and model, unless, of course, they come from a “Royal Tooth Split” such as yours! So she thanks you immensely too.
(pause)
But. Rest assured, Harper, my delay in retrieving your tooth was not intentional so as to create this Royal Tooth Split, although this is an unexpected perk. The reason I was late, so late, has to do with…well, I don’t want you to think ill of him, but it has to do with…Santa.
(pause)
You see, the baby boom of a few years ago coupled with many sick elves resulted in Santa’s toyshop being quite backed up this season. Around a month ago, I made the mistake of stopping by to have a cuppa tea with Sylvie, my favorite reindeer, and Mrs. Claus. Well, Santa popped over for a cookie and when he saw me, he…Oh Harper, he-END OF EXCERPT. Click below for the complete comedic monologue, Four Weeks Late: A Tooth Fairy’s Letter of Explanation.